I never thought of myself as tied to an identity around illness, but it’s only now I am so meaningfully guiding myself forwards, to really move forwards, that I can see how much it has shaped me.
Shaped what I thought was possible for me, shaped how I relate to other people, shaped how much I show of myself to the world, shaped how I view myself.
It’s hard when for 18 years, my whole adult life, there has been the presence of symptoms. Your memories become tied to, ‘Oh yeah, that was 2 months just after that relapse,’ ‘Oh yeah, that time just before I was bed bound again,’ ‘Oh yeah, I was in a wheelchair then.’
It has been the literal shape and experience of much of my life so far. As a reference, it’s hard not to mark points of time by what shade of ‘ill’ I was.
But now I understand the purpose illness has served in my life; to keep me hidden, to gain me love and attention, to keep me safe.
Whether it’s an identity around illness, being a mum, having a certain job, our identities keep us safe. They are our sense of self.
But I wonder how much of or what parts of these identities are created out of fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of what a different identity would ask of us, fear of being excluded or rejected, fear of questioning the very core of ourselves.
We’re afraid to question what is possible for ourselves because we are comfortable in the certainty of what we know.
I’m ready to shake off that identity now.
It has been my life but it has also only been some of my life.
I am more than that now.
In asking myself for more, for an identity that is more, I am calling the selves I have been and will be into question. I am facing all the parts of my old self, seeing them reflected back to me in the mirror, and shaking off the parts of her that aren’t bringing anything to the self I am becoming.
I have hung up her worn clothes on misshapen hangers and now, in browsing for the right fit, I’m trying on different layers to find the reflection in the mirror which hangs right, which feels like the most comfortable skin to live my life in.
With that browsing and trying on, in shifting my identity, I have finally realised that I’m not wanting to get rid of my old self who has gone before. I’m not wanting to make her wrong, I’m happy with her worn clothes hanging as a reminder of where I have come from. Instead, I’m wanting to make space so that both my old self and new self can co-exist. The identity I wore before isn’t wrong, but there needs to be room for both.
Moving forwards, shifting identities or embracing new ones, means creating space. It means accepting who and what you were as much as it is accepting who you are becoming. It means accepting the shift in the space between.
As we embrace where we are in life, the space we inhabit doesn’t stay the same. It enlarges, it widens, and it is the expansiveness of that space that invites us to examine. Space means we can look at our old self without judgement and see what her worn clothes have to tell us.
So much of that learning emerges from examining our core beliefs, the very essence of what our identity hangs on. What we believe about ourselves, about our place in the world, about what is possible for our lives. In embracing a new identity, we have to challenge the beliefs we hold and meaningfully ask if they allow us to fully live the life we want to create. We have to examine whether part of what we need to embrace a new identity is actually to adopt new beliefs.
When you listen to the fear you feel, when you listen to the stories you tell yourself, what are you believing about yourself to be true? How are those beliefs playing out in your life? How are those beliefs limiting the identity you’re hoping to embrace?
We can so often easily identify the self and identity we want to inhabit. We can see clearly the image of this self and how she might move through the world. But when it comes to living it, we falter. We can’t see the path through the trees. We know there is a clearing ahead, we can see the light shining there, but the route is blocked by fallen branches and overgrown plants.
But what if we were to ask ourselves what beliefs that new self and identity would have if we were already her? What beliefs would support her? What behaviours would support her? And if we were to adopt those beliefs before we’ve inhabited the new identity, rather than waiting for the beliefs to fall in line after we’ve become that new self, would we find our way through the clearing? Would we find ourselves in the light having navigated our way through the tangle of fallen branches?
I can’t be fully certain of the self I am becoming, but I know I can be certain that I’m being called to trust. To trust the space I am creating, to trust the new beliefs I feel my new self lives by, to trust myself that I am capable of embodying these beliefs, to trust that I can learn from my old self, to trust that there is room for both.
As a fellow ever-evolving human, I wonder what identity means to you? If you were to let go of fear, how might your identity expand? If you were to accept your old self and make room for her, what might her beliefs tell you about the identity you’re wanting to embrace?
Much love,
Suzi
Thank you for putting your words out. I love what you wrote about Space. ❤️